


I Keep Thinking About The Time in New York

by Celestial_Armadillo



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, Nick Fury is a jerk, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25430383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celestial_Armadillo/pseuds/Celestial_Armadillo
Summary: Bucky's been found by SHIELD and is recovering in Wakanda. He has reoccuring flashbacks from his past and he faces the complicated past of his relationship with Steve.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooooooo! This is my first fanfic in awhile so please bare with me. I hope you like it!

Bucky was sitting against the couch his arm draped over the back of the couch while the other rested on his lap. There on his legs was his best friend curled into a ball like a cat in the sun. His breathing was wheezy and labored. Bucky ran his fingers over the blond’s soft hair and combed through it gently. It had been another one of those days where he had been terrified he might lose his best friend. Another asthma attack had hit and his throat had closed and he had turned very pale. They had managed to make it through somehow though. 

It was summer in Brooklyn and it was almost unbearable to stay in this apartment. He didn’t know how Steve did it, maybe it cooled down when there weren’t two of them there. But in this moment it didn’t really mean anything to him, he was just grateful to have a minute with his best friend. He’d be heading home to his mother in a few days, to see her and his sisters before he shipped back off to France. This time he was going to go as a Sergeant and not just a regular soldier. He was proud to be in the army, to be fighting for his country, but he couldn’t stand being away from Steve. He would stay up at night sometimes, hearing the noise guns or bombs and he knew he should be thinking about that. But all he could think about was whether or not Steve was okay. 

Both of the men lived everyday with the knowledge that the other could be dead. Steve from his illness and Bucky from the war. 

But in this moment he didn’t fear death, be it his or Steve’s, because as long as he could stay here, he’d be okay. 

Steve shifted his head and un-curled his limbs so they stretched out far. 

“Hey.” Bucky said softly 

Steve groaned and rolled onto his back. He looked up at Bucky and put his hand up to brush a piece of hair away from his eyes. 

“How long was I out?” 

His voice is hoarse from coughing earlier. 

“An hour.” 

“I’m not dead!” He exclaimed jokingly 

“Another one of your miracles.” Bucky said chuckling 

They spoke in some sort of whisper like they didn’t want anyone else to hear them. In crowded bars and busy rooms they could communicate with just looks and smiles. Bucky had fond memories of Steve looking over at him while he was dancing, telling him that he wanted to go, or somehow saying that he loved him. 

Now Steve looked at him and he could clearly understand he was saying ‘I love you’

Bucky removed his hand from on back of the couch and used it to run his thumb over Steve’s jaw. He bent down to kiss him and as their lips almost touched-  
—  
“Sergeant.” 

Bucky jerked his head to look up. There was a man towering above him. He was in a chair, his arms were tied down. He was with Hydra? No. He had escaped from them, he was safe right? His vision was blurry, the light was too bright and it was shining in his eyes. The metal of his handcuffs was too cold on his flesh wrist and too tight on the metal one. 

“Where am I?” He groaned and closed his eyes and dipped his head. He wanted to escape the burning light. 

“You’re in the hospital,” the voice answered “can you tell me your name?” 

The voice was loud and deep and powerful. It was authoritative. 

“Bucky.” 

“Do you recognize us?” 

“I can’t see you, the light.” 

The light was turned down and he looked up to see a man and woman staring at him. His eyes began to readjust and his wrists felt less sensitive to the cuffs. His brain seemed to calm down and when it did, his awareness of the current situation came back. The man across from him was Nick Fury the one next to him was Natasha Romanoff, they were safe. He was in Wakanda. 

“Your Nick, She’s Natasha, I’m in Wakanda.” 

The moment with him and Steve was a flashback. They had been happening more frequently recently but they often weren’t very nice ones. It was usually memories of violence or hydra torture and experiments. Whenever he slipped into one they would cuff him for their safety. 

“You had a flashback I’m presuming?” Nick said 

Bucky nodded.  
“Tell me about this one,” he said “you reacted differently then usual.” 

It was an order, Bucky could tell by the tone of voice. But he didn’t want to tell them, those memories were private. The intimate moments with Steve, in their New York apartment were for him and him only. 

He missed Steve. He hadn’t seen him since being put in cryofreeze. He didn’t know why they wouldn’t let him see Steve. Some doctor said it would be too intense for him to handle, that it might trigger a lot of memories at once and that could be bad for him. But he didn’t care. All he wanted was to see Steve again. 

“It’s nothing,” Bucky said “just something from the 40’s.” 

“Barnes, it’s important you talk about everything, no matter how trivial.” Nat said

“I’m telling you it’s nothing, can you uncuff me please.” 

“No.” Fury said 

Bucky looked up at him angrily. 

“Tell us and then I’ll uncuff you.” 

“Fury-“ Nat tried to stop him but he cut her off

“Tell me now.” 

“I don’t take orders from you,” Bucky said firmly “uncuff me.” 

The cuffs were staring to feel tight on him again, a feeling of uneasiness was traveling up his body. He didn’t like Fury, he reminded Bucky of some guys from Hydra. Authoritative and demanding, holding something over everyone. In this case he was holding physical freedom from Bucky. It wasn’t the first time that Fury had done something like this, but this one hit to close to home. He remembered Pierce pushing him into the chair and locking him into place. The electric machine going over him and then everything went white and he just felt unimaginable pain. 

He tipped his head back and tried to take a deep breath, tried to remind himself that although Fury was an asshole, he wasn’t Pierce. 

“I don’t take orders from you Barnes, now tell me, it’s important.”

They had always been hoping that with each traumatizing memory that Bucky shared, they could find some clue to tracking down and destroying hydra bases and agents. 

“It doesn’t have anything to do with Hydra ok?” Bucky said 

He felt his uneasiness creep further up his body and rest in his arms.

“Barnes do not test me.” 

It creeped up his back and neck and into his head. 

“If you don’t uncuff me and get out something bad is going to happen.” 

It wasn’t a threat even though it sounded like one. It was just the truth. 

Fury hesitated for a second and eventually uncuffed him and left the room. 

Bucky got up and went to his bed. He hid a journal under the mattress where he wrote down memories. He scribbled the new one down in the hopes that he would have another like it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I did this kinda late so please forgive any errors, hope you like it!

Bucky was swaying back and forth to the beat of slow jazz music. There was a live band on stage and couples surrounding him. He was dancing with a blonde woman, she had bright blue eyes. Her dress was blue too, with a white sash and bow around her waist. 

She smelled like carnations, and vanilla. The scent wafted around him like a cloud. He couldn’t remember her name, but it wasn’t the first time he had danced with her. They had been meeting up at this place every once and while. 

He liked Her, she was sweet. He convinced himself that he could love her and that they could maybe be together. 

She wasn’t one of the girls he’d take come to keep up appearances. She was nice, and funny. 

But she wasn’t Steve. 

The song ended and she took her hand away from the back of his neck and put it on his chest. 

She gazed up at him with a smile on her face.

“Well, I should head home.” She said 

“I’ll walk you home.” He said 

They grabbed their jackets and grabbed a cab to her side of town. 

She lived in the nicer area of Brooklyn. Where the heating worked, and the electricity didn’t flick on or off. 

He dropped her off and they hugged goodbye. Then he walked all the way back to his apartment. 

He couldn’t afford a cab both ways. 

He didn’t get back till 1:00 AM. He was glad that he didn’t have to get to the docks tomorrow.

The lock clicked on the front door and he walked in to see Steve in his pajamas, curled in a blanket drawing with the lamp on next to him.

He looked really beautiful in the soft lamp light. 

“Steve,” Bucky said softly putting his jacket down “what’re you doing awake?” 

Steve looked up from his sketch book. He looked tired and sad.

“Just wanted to make sure you got home okay.” 

Bucky walked over to him and sat next to him.

“You don’t have to do that, you need your sleep.” 

He nodded “I guess I just wanted to know, if you were gonna come back with,” he paused “-with her.” 

Bucky looked over at Steve.

“What?” 

“I’m sorry, I just, I get so jealous and I just hate the thought of you with her and-“

“Stevie, doll,” he said taking Steve’s hand in his “I love you, not anyone else.” 

“All those girls they don’t matter, I have to keep up appearances, but they mean nothing to me.” 

Steve wipes his nose on his sleeve and sniffles.

Bucky pulls him close and wraps his arms around him.

“Sh sh baby, it’s ok.” 

Steve doesn’t smell like flowers. He smells like asthma cigarettes and musty clothes. But somehow he fit against Bucky’s body so perfectly. 

They were puzzle pieces that had been put together by fate or something. 

Bucky planted a kiss on Steve’s shoulder.

“There’s only you, Steve.” 

Steve put his hand in Bucky’s hair.

Bucky moved Steve back and tilted his head forward to kiss him. And as he did-

Bucky‘s eyes opened to see a white wall in front of him. 

Another flashback. 

Usually he was begging for them to end but all he wanted was to disappear into the new ones. 

He wanted to fade away into these memories, and just relive them. Pre-hydra life was much better then this one. These memories only solidified the desire to see Steve. 

Bucky got out of bed and changed into some clothes and left his room. He was in a room off of a lab Where Shuri was working full-time.

“Good morning Bucky!” She said 

He smiled and approached her.

“Good morning.” 

“We’ve been monitoring your brain waves when you sleep, as you know, and it looks like you’ve been having good dreams lately!”

“Yes, I have.” He said 

It was weird that she knew whether or not he had slept well, it seemed invasive. But he trusted Shuri. 

“Shuri, I was wondering if you could do something for me.” 

“What is it?”

“Well, I know right now my only authorized visitors are Fury and Nat, but I was wondering if maybe Steve could be added to the list.” 

She paused. 

“Bucky- we’ve talked about this,” she said “he’s the one you’ve known the longest, he will be a very big trigger for a lot of memories.” 

“I know, it’s just I need to see him, I need him to fill in some gaps in my memory, and I just-“ 

He missed him. He wouldn’t say it, of course, but he did miss him. And he thought that Shuri got the message.

“Fine, but you must be ready, and only short visits.” 

Bucky’s heart leaped. 

“Thank you Shuri, thank you so much.” 

“Of course Sergeant.”   
\-------  
Bucky was sitting at a table in a conference room, there were cameras in the corners of the room and he knew there were at least 5 people watching outside the room. He had an iv port in his arm in case they needed to sedate him. 

This wasn’t the circumstances he had wanted to see Steve in. But he took what he could get.

He had written a list of questions down that he wanted to ask, but mostly he just wanted to see him. The door opened and Shuri poked her head through.

“He is here.” 

Bucky stood up as Shuri exited and in her place Steve walked in. He was the way that Bucky remembered him, tall, broad shouldered and strong. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans just like Bucky was. 

“Buck.” Steve said 

He was smiling. 

Last time Bucky had seen him, he hadn’t remembered everything that he did now. He had known that he was important but he didn’t know that he loved him. He didn’t know, that he was everything to him.

Now the feeling was stronger then it had been in 1940’s. Now, he felt like his heart was going to explode, and his eyes were watering. 

He stepped away from the table and to Steve and did something that he hadn’t done since before hydra. He wrapped his arms around someone and hugged them. Except this wasn’t just anyone, he hugged Steve.

Steve was shocked at first, he hadn’t expected this. He had expected to sit across from him at a table trying to hold himself back, trying to not cry or touch him. But here he was, Bucky wrapped around him and he was free to touch.

Steve didn’t smell like asthma cigarettes anymore. And he guessed that made sense, considering he didn’t have asthma anymore. He smelled like cologne, but underneath it there was still something familiar. Steve also, was a lot warmer then he used to be. 

Like significantly warmer. Bucky, on the other hand had gotten colder. 

Bucky pulled away from Steve and looked at him. He didn’t know what to do now, how did he converse with the man he loved, who he hadn’t seen in years. How could he do this with everyone watching. 

He started to get nervous, he was stuck in this room, with everybody watching him. 

“Did you have some questions for me?” Steve said softly 

Bucky looked up at him, his face was gentle looking, and reassuring.  
They sat down at the table and Bucky went through his list. Some were hard questions, how had his parents died. Some were easy, what was the name of the street I grew up on.

“What number was our apartment?”

“12.” 

“Did you look for me when I died?”

“Yes, god, of course yes.”

They rattled off pages and pages of questions, until Bucky got to the last one.

“What was the name of the woman I used to dance with?” 

Steve’s jaw tightened.

“Nancy,” he said quickly “Nancy Lakin.” 

Bucky nodded.

“Do you want me to find her?”

Bucky looked up at him confused “What? No.” 

“Oh, I just thought that maybe-“

Bucky felt horrified.

“Maybe you wanted to see her, if she was still alive, I know you guys hit it off.” 

Bucky stuttered “Do you remember what I told you?” 

Steve looked at him his eyes wide.

“I meant it, when I said it.” 

There’s only you Steve 

Steve nodded “her name was Nancy.” 

“What about Peggy?” Bucky asked “did you ever-“

“No,” he said “I went into the ice.” 

“And did you find her?”

“Yeah, I did.” 

Bucky’s heart crumbled a little bit at that, but he refused to show it. He had Steve now, and she was gone. Maybe it was bad to say it like that.

But that didn’t change anything. Time had passed but the rules were still the same, men belonged with women. 

It was in the Bible he had been told, it wasn’t aloud. Time couldn’t change that, no matter how bad he wanted it.

“I brought something, for us to look at.” 

Bucky looked as he grabbed a photo album out.

Steve moved into the chair next to him and they flipped through the pages. There were a lot of pictures of them as children, playing in the back yard or their first days of school. There were some darker ones of Steve in the hospital and Bucky was there with him. 

Bucky moved to the side and Steve’s hand brushed against his. At the same time Bucky breathed in and he was encased in a familiar scent. 

Then he couldn’t stop the flashbacks.

Steve was in his arms shivering, his face was pale and his lips were blue and he was so congested and Bucky was terrified he was going to die. 

Then it was Steve sprawled out on the couch sketching Bucky as he read a newspaper. 

Then they were lying in bed together and Bucky was tracing the edges of Steve’s face. 

They were in bed their bodies tangled and it was hot and Steve was clinging onto his shoulder.

Then they were in an alley, Steve on the ground bleeding as Bucky held a piece of cloth to his cuts. 

They were at a funeral Steve was gripping onto the front of a pew looking as if he were going to explode.

They were sitting next to each other in silence in the woods looking up at the stars, on watch returning from being captured. 

Bucky was holding on to the train, hoping that he could get to Steve. He fell screaming watching as Steve slipped away.

Fuck. Fuck fuck. He was on the ground, he was bleeding.

He was alone in their apartment sobbing, wondering if Steve was going to live. 

They were working extra shifts paying medical bills.

His heart rate was fast, he felt like he was going to die. 

“Bucky.” 

Someone squeezed his shoulder and he jumped. 

Shuri and Fury were in the room, looking nervous. But Steve looked calm. 

“Are you okay?” 

Bucky leaned against the table.

“Fuck.” 

“Sergeant.” Fury said sternly.

“What?” 

“I think it’s time for you to go back to your room and rest.”

No he couldn’t, he had all these new memories, all these new questions.

“Not yet, I have more questions.” 

“Bucky, you don’t want to strain yourself.” Shuri warned 

“Please, just a little longer.” 

He sat back down at the table. 

The rooms lights were really bright, and he was having trouble seeing again.

“I um- I.” 

He saw Shuri and Fury exchange looks.

“No, I-“ he tried to object but his brain was shutting down. He was tired.

“Bucky,” Steve said “go rest, we can do this again.” 

Bucky shook his head “no I want you to stay.” 

Steve took his hand “I’ll come back soon, okay?” 

Bucky wanted to hide away with him. To take him away from all the people and noise and lay him down and put his ear to Steve’s chest and re-learn his heart beat. 

He wanted to speak with him away from everything. 

“Steve-“

“I’ll come back tomorrow.” 

Bucky looked at him desperately 

“I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 coming soon!


End file.
